Of Mud and Masculinity

There’s a certain type of man that enjoys testing his limits. It’s by no means a requirement to achieve your “man card,” but it’s safe to say that some guys really get a lot out of this kind of thing. I happen to be one of them.  

I’ve done the Tough Mudders, the Half-marathons, the sweat lodges, the cold plunges, and a list of other things that sometimes make my wife question my sanity. To be honest, there were moments in a lot of those things where I questioned my own mental stability. I mean, who pays good money to crawl through the mud with live, exposed, electric wires dangling over their head on a perfectly good Saturday morning just for the reward of a t-shirt, a cheap medal, and a beer? Yep, THIS guy.  And a whole host of other guys.

There’s something about it, though. Sometimes it is about testing your own mental and physical toughness. Sometimes it is about bragging rights among friends. Sometimes it is purely a challenge to break up the monotony of the work-a-day world that we get stuck in for a good portion of our lives. Trust me, I get it. 

Sometimes you just want to prove, mostly to yourself, that you can do hard shit. 

I READ a lot too (in case you mentally just reduced me to the obviously super chiseled meat head that the above resumé would lead you to believe). I contain multitudes!

Some of what I read is along these same lines but from a mental toughness standpoint. I’ve read the guys that give you the weird diets and thousands of supplements with the promise that you’ll live to see your great-great-great grandchildren one day and still beat them in a push up contest. I’ve read the Stoics, the Buddhists, the mystics, and the life-coach influencers. They emphasize grit, courage, confidence, mental fortitude, and a never-say-die mentality. I get it.

Guys have been driven to this “do hard shit” mentality for a millennium or longer. The problem, as I see it, is that so much of this mental toughness stuff that gets reduced to a Reel on Instagram by the latest influencer dude stops way short of where it should. Their followers get the idea that to be a “real man” you’ve got to land somewhere between Schwarzenegger and Socrates because THOSE kinds of guys have what it takes. But there’s a bunch of hard shit that ends up not getting done, and honestly, it’s making a mess of masculinity (and the world in general).

I’m all for the weekend warrior schtick, but don’t forget to go to therapy.

Get your biceps as big as tree trunks, but don’t back down from facing your own shadow Self.

Show up at the starting line for as many Spartan Races as you can handle, but don’t forget to show up and be the kind of friend, husband, father, or whatever that is willing to have the hard conversations, own up to his mistakes, and commit to real change AFTER the apology.

Go on your vision quest or psychedelic retreat in Peru, but don’t forget to ground yourself in love and make the world around you a better place by actually living out your new found identity in an authentic way…every day.

Doing hard shit does not just mean crossing the finish line with a new PR or hitting a new bench press max.

Sometimes it means breaking the cycle of trauma that was handed down to you by the men in your family tree. Sometimes it means going to a friend that you hurt with your hat in your hand ready to mend things even if it’s super uncomfortable. Sometimes it means taking a knee and looking your kid in the eyes with tears in your own and admitting that Dads make mistakes too.

I know, no one is going to give you a t-shirt and a beer for finishing therapy (although that might be a good marketing idea), but that doesn’t make the challenge any less difficult or the pay off any less valuable. 

So please continue on, my dudes. But don’t just  settle for doing the hard stuff that is Instagram worthy. Go all the way inside and do the EXTRA hard stuff of facing yourself and finding wholeness. 

The world needs more guys like that! I think we’re fully stocked on the ones that cosplay masculinity. 

If it helps you feel better, no one says you can’t wear your Tough Mudder t-shirt to your therapist’s office. I know I have.